Backwards Dating

By: Nikita Blue -- You wouldn’t buy a car without test-driving it, would you? How about a year supply of a food you’d never tasted?

Let’s say I meet a guy I like. I flirt. I wink. I giggle. I give him my number. We go out. He brings me flowers, buys me dinner; later, we get to know one another personally as we watch a movie or play miniature golf. I find out about his personal history; things like how he got a scar on his knee playing football when he was 11. He finds out about my aspirations to be a writer. We engage one another in intimate conversation, revealing one thing after another about ourselves, and none of it is really relevant to why we’re there in the first place: sex. We’re pretending to evaluate our compatibility with one another while feasting on eggplant parmesan... when in reality, both of us already know that we merely want to find a place to play smashface.

What’s the difference between a friend and a girlfriend? Sex. Can you have sex without friendship? Sure. Can you have a relationship without friendship? No way. In a relationship, you need to be able to connect to someone emotionally, just like in a friendship. But most of all, you need to be able to connect to that person sexually. So why drag it out? Why go on date after date after date with someone you’re attracted to for months, just to find out that you’re not sexually compatible?

There was this guy named James who I really liked; he was part of my motorcycle group. I couldn’t be with him because I was with someone else at the time. But when that boyfriend became an ex, I called James. I’d been salivating over him forever. We were going to do the deed at his place; we couldn’t wait! We ripped clothes off, shaking with anticipation for ultimate consummation of our desires... and then I kissed him. It was horrible. Like kissing a lizard. Too much tongue, sloppy and uncoordinated. Ugh! It was a huge let-down. Sometimes these things happen... but if I’d dragged out courtship with this schmuck, I’d have felt even worse!

If you stick with the old-fashioned formula for mate-seeking and go on a billion-and-one dates to make sure you’re “respected” and that nobody thinks you’re a slut, and then it turns out that you don’t like what you get when you finally give him a try, what happens then? You’ve developed an emotional connection to someone whom you’re not crazy about in the sack - and whatever you decide to do at that point will cause problems. If you decide to remain in a relationship with that person, your lack of sexual interest will bore and frustrate you, make him feel unwanted and put an enormous strain on the relationship, ultimately destroying the emotional bond you stayed for in the first place. If you decide to remain friends, there will be an awkwardness to the relationship, with one or both of you feeling as though you weren’t “good enough.”

Forming an emotional bond first is a backward approach to dating. Why not form an emotional bond after you test drive? After all, you’ve got the wheel.

Photo Courtesy of Interracial Dating

Nikita Blue

Email: nikitablue23@hotmail.com