The first, most important thing to know is: Are you in an abusive relationship? Many women who are in abusive relationships don’t realize what was going on until it is much too late. The most important step in getting out of an unhealthy relationship is to realize that you are in one in the first place. Women are convinced that the problems in the relationship are their fault; the relationship has been constructed that way by their abuser, in order to justify his actions so that he can continue his behavior without it being questioned. An abuser will convince you that you “have it coming”, and that he is only REACTING to your “bad attitude” or your “bad behavior” out of hurt, frustration or anger. It is YOUR fault that he acts the way he does… nothing could be further from the truth. But before you can get out of an abusive relationship, you have to realize that it is an abusive, unhealthy relationship in the first place. This is the most important step. After realization, then you have to fully accept what has been going on. You must even more importantly realize that his actions are NOT because of YOU and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s also very important that you comprehend that other men don’t treat women this way, and every relationship is not like this one. Then, you have to get yourself OUT. Here are some questions that may help you with the first step.
Ask Yourself…
- Are you afraid of him?
- Do you have to be careful what you say or do with him?
- Do you have to “walk on eggshells” for fear of angering him?
- Does it seem like you can’t do anything right?
- Does it seem like he’s unhappy with you most of the time?
- Does he react very badly if embarrassed or startled?
- Does he have to know where you are and/or what you’re doing at all times?
- Does he joke about your shortcomings?
- Do you feel as if you’d be lost without him?
- Is he very possessive/jealous?
- Does he have to control everything and everyone around him?
- Do you have to “do what you’re told” to do?
- Does he belittle your appearance, your intellect, your capabilities or your family/friends?
- Does he have control over where you go and what you do?
- Has he ever physically hurt you in ANY way? (pinching, biting, slapping, rapping knuckles on your head, poking your ribs, pulling your hair, holding you down, etc.)
If you said yes to two or more of these questions, you are very likely in an abusive relationship. NONE of these things are present in a healthy relationship.
If he does any of these things, it is NOT because of YOU. Every person controls their own actions. No matter WHAT he tells you, he CAN control his own actions, and he IS responsible for them. What he is doing is WRONG.
The first thing you need to know: HE WILL NOT CHANGE, NO MATTER WHAT. Don’t try to fool yourself into thinking you can fix him. You can’t. And the reason you can’t is because he is wired a certain way. There is no way to rewire him without extensive therapy during which he is completely honest. In order for him to be completely honest about his actions, he needs to first be fully aware that those actions are unacceptable, and actively refrain from committing those actions. It’s not just getting beaten, and it’s not just emotional warfare; it’s his mindset. If his mindset is such that he believes that you don’t deserve consistent respect, love, consideration, affection, courtesy, and reverence, then he is at risk for perpetually abusive behavior.
The most important thing you need to know is that subjecting yourself to an abusive situation can be traumatic, and can have a severely negative impact on your mental state. You may not realize it, but your currently “livable” situation may not be so “livable” for your psyche. You might think you’re alright, but you very well may not be. You can do severe damage to your mental state if you continue in an abusive situation for long; you may develop PTSD. PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it is very common in victims/survivors of domestic violence.
The official criteria for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is:
The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present: 1. The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others; 2. the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness or horror.
In relation to Domestic Violence, the woman was threatened physically by her partner and felt helpless and/or terrified by the situation. He may have threatened her life, or threatened her with physical injury. He may have simply terrified her mentally and/or emotionally.
The likelihood of ending up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is different for each person. One person may experience something that others consider to be “not so bad” or “not a big deal”, and still wind up with PTSD; another person may experience something others would consider extremely intense, such as a near death experience and never have PTSD. It all depends on the structure of this person’s mind, how their brain processes events, and their built-in coping abilities. Whether or not a person suffers from PTSD is not up to them; it is up to the way they are naturally made. Similarly, methods of treatment vary greatly, and the length of time that the condition lasts will vary a great deal, as well.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is your brain’s REACTION to a traumatic event. It is what your brain does naturally in response to having something occur that is too overwhelming for your psyche to handle at once. It is evidence of damage to your psyche.
Some symptoms of PTSD are:
- Intrusive and distressing recollections of the abuse
- Nightmares
- Feeling like the abuse is recurring, in the form of flashbacks
- Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the abuse
- Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that bring up recollections of the abuse
- Inability to remember important aspects of the abuse (holes in one’s memory of that time frame)
- Diminished interest or participation in significant activities (graduation ceremony, prom, family reunion, etc.) – also may signify accompanying depression
- Panic attacks
- Inability to have a full range of feelings (you feel empty or apathetic at times when you “should” feel emotional)
- Detachment or estrangement from loved ones or friends
- A sense of a foreshortened future (doesn’t expect to marry, have children, or have a normal lifespan)
- Difficulty falling or staying asleep
- Irritability or outbursts of anger/rage and/or violence
- Difficulty concentrating (and “zoning out”)
- Hypervigilance (always looking over shoulder, checking things out, distrusting people, feeling somewhat paranoid)
- Exaggerated startle response (jumps when someone claps or a door is slammed; involuntarily screams out loud when startled)
A lot of times, we think that once a traumatic situation has passed, we can move on with our lives and everything will be fine. Not so; in the case of domestic violence, one is faced with the trauma over and over again. The more a person is exposed to the trauma, the more severe the PTSD will be. The closer/more intimate the victim is with the perpetrator of the trauma, the worse the effects of the trauma will be. You need to GET OUT IMMEDIATELY, before the potential fallout gets any worse. Every day you stay, the potential PTSD that may follow gets worse and worse and worse.
PTSD is NO picnic. You end up having these symptoms on a daily basis. PTSD is with you all day, every day. PTSD is nothing to laugh off, and nothing that goes away easily. Many people live decades of PTSD. It is not to be taken lightly.
A lot of times, people who suffer from PTSD are laughed off by friends and family, who tell them to “get over it”, and “stop thinking about it”. Anyone who has suffered through a truly traumatic event which damaged their psyche can testify to the fact that you can’t simply make it go away or stop thinking about it. If you could, you would.
PTSD is typically associated with war veterans; war vets were the first to be recognized as sufferers of this condition. “War flashbacks” are sometimes a running joke on tasteless television shows or movies. However, since war is such an extreme situation, and PTSD is associated with war veterans, people don’t take seriously other, “less severe” circumstances, such as a rape, or physical abuse when they are associated with PTSD.
On top of that, not many people know anything about PTSD. It is not a widely conversed topic. It isn’t projected from the media very often, and a lot of people who are involved (or were formerly involved) in abusive relationships don’t talk about their situation at all. Some are embarrassed, and many are unsure of what really even happened, at times. Some don’t even realize they were in an abusive relationship at all, let alone realize that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of their relationship. Please tell everyone you know about the ramifications of abuse trauma. Run your mouth about it!
See the difference between a healthy and equal relationship and an unhealthy, abusive relationship:
